Throughout college, I lived by the attitude that I wasn't learning everything just to turn around and be a housewife. I wanted to increase the value of myself, my fiances, my career, and everyone around me before I committed myself to someone that I was sure to change everything. I set goals for myself such as I had to own three houses across the country, be debt free before I'm 35, own a bookstore, be remembered in a book, become a licensed landscape architect, save the world, and many more. Never once did I dream about settling down with someone. I honestly believed it wasn't possible to fit someone else's dreams into my life and I never expect him to give up his dreams for mine because I wasn't ready to give up mine.
Women have a hard choice. They either devote their life to their families, or go without one. Yes, many women, thousands of them, are working mothers. They work great jobs and still available for their family. But selfishly, I want it all. I want to travel, go out with my friends, learn new cultures, meet new people, and everything else that independent, stable people do. That doesn't mean I don't want a family, children to love and care for, or that unconditional love that is so hard to come by. In some ways, I am just not ready to devote my choices to someone else. Slowly I am realizing that I gravitate towards new exciting events like a moss to a light. I always thought by not settling, I was just improving the value of myself. So that one day when someone does decide to stop me, I would be that much worthy. In actuality,I am so self-sufficient that I am scared to settle and commit into an ascetic lifestyle. As desperately as I long for the simple nights with people I love, I am terrified that one day I will look back and regret not taking the opportunities that I had.
I have been reading alot lately, and in one book, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T Harv Eker, one chapter focuses on people defining what they want versus what they are committed to having. Many people want something, many are devoted to having what they want, but only a few are truly committed to doing whatever it takes to have what they long for. I look back at all the goals I set for myself three years ago and wonder what happened to that devoted women, fresh out of college, and ready to make a difference in the world. I question everything I everything I selfishly dreamed of, the compromises I refused to make, and the gluttonous exhilarations I get by being so independent and in charge of myself.
Lately now I wonder what am I committed to having?
Do I want the lavish single, exhilarating life? Am I ready to be loved and possibly give up the ideals I always thought I wanted? Can I live a life with the luxuries I have always desired without feeling selfish that other people have so little? Can I give back and save the world while living in this gracious lifestyle?
I love my life and am grateful everyday for everything I have and done. The choices I have made reflect who I am, how I perceive life, and the people who I care about most. The outcomes are not something I am completely satisfied with, but I will not deny them. I have hurt, been blinded in love, and selfish with my concerns. I do not want to deny myself of any happiness that may come my way. But are my choices denying others of their happiness? Are they denying me of a happiness I never thought I deserved? Am I so blinded by my rapacious views that I forgot the simple gratitudes of life? Is it wrong to want more?
